


We'll Feel Better Eventually

by Dershloop



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Bad Parent Splinter (TMNT), Comfort/Angst, Feels, Gen, Hurt Donatello (TMNT), Hurt Leonardo (TMNT), Hurt Michelangelo (TMNT), Hurt Raphael (TMNT), Implied Capritello, Implied Relationships, My First Work in This Fandom, No Incest, Splinter Is Dead, TCEST DNI, This Is Sad, either way they gettin love, helping s/o get over sadness, implied leosagi, implied ramona, incest dni or i will cry this is a threat, its about my boys, only to a degree though, renet and mikey are getting love tho, so is capritello bc theres no fics abt them so theyre getting tlc, there will be a happy chapter at the end i promise, they'll get some tlc from me eventually just not yet LMAO, theyre mourning teenagers man let em be, this fic isnt about relationships tho, this isnt anything mad im just tryna start writing again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:26:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26718991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dershloop/pseuds/Dershloop
Summary: It's been a 2 weeks since Splinter died and you'd think the brothers would be closer than ever. No one's sure what the others are thinking but it can't be anything good.Basically this is how I think each of them would cope with Splinter's death bc I feel like torturing myself LOL anyway yeah nd ill turn it into a little thing in the last chapter when they're all interacting again .3.
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT), Donatello/Casey Jones/April O'Neil (TMNT), Leonardo/Miyamoto Usagi, Michelangelo/Renet Tilley, Mona Lisa/Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44





	1. Fearless Leader

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first tmnt fic since I was like 7/8/9 ish so pls don't be too harsh ijsij but any criticism is welcome! whether it be grammar, spelling or general writing please do let me know, ok right enjoy lol

He couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was a plague, taking over his entire being and he hated it. The lack of competency and willingness to be awake was slowly consuming him and there was very little he could do to stop it. Tea, meditation, yoga. Nothing seemed to give him any kind of lust for life. He rolled his eyes at the stupidity of it all. This wasn’t an excuse to stay in bed all day, this wasn’t an excuse to drop off of training. He had to fight it and prove to himself he was stronger than this… this thing. Though he had to admit he wasn’t 100% sure what ‘it’ actually was.

Leo’s limbs pulled downwards, begging to sink into his mattress and succumb to the comforting warmth. He wasn’t going to comply. He couldn’t. But, alas, as it always goes, he did. The fearless, motivated Leo crawled into bed and curled up in his sheets blocking out the cold hard world.

The truth was, he missed Splinter. He missed the structure and consistency having him around brought. He recognised that he sucked as a father, he still was their father and he tried to prepare them for everything they’d have to face but… now he was gone, what was there? He had his brothers, April and Casey but… it didn’t feel right. There was a certain emptiness that came with his fathers’ death that threatened to swallow him whole and at this point, it just felt like anyone who got hurt by it was just collateral damage. 

He let out an exasperated sigh and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling. Memories swirled through his head, everything that had happened… it was hard not to wonder if maybe his father’s death was for the best. Leo shook his head. That was a horrible thought! How dare he think that about the man who raised them! But still… it did plague him. He was always the golden student, Splinter’s star boy and favourite son but at what cost? Splinter had neglected his brothers and groomed him into a perfectionist nark who ‘’always new best’’ but to be honest since he’d died he felt like the complete opposite. Raph was angry, angrier than usual. Donnie had reclined into himself more and rarely came out of his lab. And Mikey? Well, nothing good had happened to the poor kid either. He stayed out until late afternoon, risking getting seen bu humans, and barely slept. He wasn’t sure any of them were sleeping though if he was being honest. He couldn’t even lead his brothers, how was he expected to lead a dying ninja clan?

It didn’t matter, the Hamato clan died with them, he was sure of it. If anything, he kind of hoped it would have just died with Splinter. He didn’t want to be the golden boy anymore. He didn’t want to be the leader, he didn’t want to be anything except a brother and a best friend. He wanted to be a teenager and not have to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders constantly. That was too much for anyone, let alone a 17-year-old, to handle. Now, however, it was over. His final decision as leader was decided, as he pulled out his T-phone and he typed a message to his brothers.

Leo: We’re done being ninjas. We’re done playing vigilante and protecting New York. They can protect themselves.

He threw his phone down onto his bed and smiled. It felt good knowing he’d finally said that. He was sick of protecting a city that if they ever saw who was protecting them from alien invasions and certain doom, would all run screaming. Either way, he’d have to see what the others would say. He was sure they wouldn’t be opposed to the idea, but it didn’t hurt to ask. Would they even reply? Raph had already cruised through at least 3 T-Phones these last 2 week and with Donnie being in his own rut, there was a limited supply. Leo wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore. No matter how many times people had told him ‘’This feeling will pass! You can get through this!’’ it never seemed to actually stick with him and comfort him. If anything, it annoyed him. He’d just lost his father at 17, been left an entire ancient Japanese ninja clan AND with the job of being his brothers’ new sensei? He could barely lead them at the best of times, how was he supposed to be their ‘master’.

Leo let out a long, drawn-out breath and reached for him phone again, this time snagging his earbuds too. Maybe some music would help him? Honestly, he hadn’t listened to much of the stuff in a while. Any music he had to listen to had just been some of Splinter’s old records or cassettes for meditation. Not exactly what he was into, but whatever worked. He didn’t want to meditate now though. He wanted to be distracted, transported into another world. A world full of love and joy and good vibes. After a while of mindlessly scrolling through his playlists, he selected one. Nothing too vibrant, but just enough to trick his mind into believing in some kind of love. Cracking the volume to the highest his ears could handle without wincing, he rolled himself up in his covers and lay there, just listening and enjoying the quiet moment in the still part of his mind. The part of his mind that didn’t worry constantly, the part of his mind that wasn’t bothered by what his brothers thought, the part that just didn’t care and wanted to be happy.

And he knew, in his heart of hearts, that one day he wouldn’t feel like this, and one day he would feel better, but for now, he was ok with feeling like this. He was allowed to mourn, allowed to suffer and allowed to feel.


	2. Hothead

Raphael let out a long, loud groan of frustration, punching the punching bag as hard as his arms would allow him. He hated feeling like this. So empty yet so emotional. So energetic yet so drained. He wasn’t sure if he could cope with this for much longer. He needed to punch something harder, something that wouldn't just swing back and forth every time he hit it. His eyes panned around the lair when he finally realised. Why didn’t he punch a wall? That had helped him to let out his frustrations before, so why wouldn’t it work now?

He stepped around the shredder dummy and reeled his arm back, punching the wall as hard as he could. It sent shivers up his arm as his nervous system dealt with the sudden onset of od pain and shock. Pulling back his arm, he made a fist and inspected the damage on his knuckles. Nothing too bad. The skin had split over his knuckles, leaving cuts that were leaking with blood. Not too heavily, but enough so that he felt inclined to ask Donnie if he could wrap it up for him. Apart from that, the damage was minimal, to the wall and himself. Nothing that wouldn’t heal, and the wall had escaped the brawl unscathed, bar some crumbs of the bricks which now lay on the floor and in Raph’s knuckles. He brushed out what he could, wincing at the sharp pain that accompanied it. Letting out a sigh, he walked over to the beanbag on the floor by the TV and sunk down into it, staring at the dark screen.

2 weeks was a long time, Raph was realising. It’d been 2 weeks since Splinter had died, and never in the past 17 years had the lair been this quiet for this long. No one slept, no one particularly ate, even Mikey seemed to have lost his appetite. He crossed his arms, being careful to not disturb the wounds on his knuckle. As much as he wanted to go see his brothers, hug them and tell them it would be ok, he couldn’t. He couldn’t lie to their faces like that. It wasn’t going to be ok, nothing was ever again. At least not in the way they were all hoping it would. Life couldn’t go back to normal, or at least their way of normal, again. After everything that’d happened over the past 2 years, they couldn’t be expected to. All the trauma, having lost Splinter twice, having to defend the earth. They were kids yet all the lives they’d taken or ruined… it didn't bear thinking about. Raph knew if he did, he’d spiral yet again and end up hurting himself or someone else again. He couldn’t let that happen.

Then, his phone buzzed, causing him to look over to where it lay face down on the ground. Stretching out, he snagged the T-Phone off the floor, the already exponential number of cracks covering most of the screen. It was a message from Leo to their group chat.

Leo: We’re done being ninjas. We’re done playing vigilante and protecting New York. They can protect themselves.

Raph took a deep breath, trying his hardest to not get angry. He knew where his brother was coming from, and he agreed. He didn’t want to protect the stupid city anymore. But part of his brain flared up, yelling and yelling. Why should he be the one to make that decision? Shouldn’t they all at least talk about it first? No. Raph scolded himself, gently putting the phone back onto the floor. Leo was right. For once he wasn’t going to fight or argue or disagree. He couldn’t. He wanted to. He wanted to jab and poke at his older brother until he finally snapped. Just… something to fight. Something real that wasn’t a wall or a stupid shredder doll hung like a punching bag.

The other part of him wanted to curl up in bed and cry. It wanted to call Mona and just stay on a call with her and just forget everything for an hour. It wanted to see Mona and to just curl up in bed with her and cry to her. She had said to call her if he was struggling or needed anything… But no. He couldn’t do that either. She couldn’t just drop everything and come to earth, it was unrealistic. She was out there, being all cool and badass while he was on an old beanbag in the living room debating over whether he should call her and cry or antagonise his brother until he attacked him. He grabbed his headphones off of the floor near him and picked his phone back up, plugging the headphones into it and putting them over his head. Heavy drums and bass-filled his ears, aggressive lyrics about starting riots and overthrowing the government blasted through. He let his body sink into the beanbag, feeling himself relax finally. Closing his eyes, he ignored the world and got dragged into his own, where everything was normal and fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did this instead of studying im sorry mum I know I'm a disappointment LMAOO anyway a kid in my years sister has covid nd my school let him stay in and isn't quarentining my entire year so i am peepoMAD that's so careless i stg sjfdf anyway yeah i went off I'm sorry raphie i love u rlly O


	3. The Goofy Younger Brother

Mikey closed his eyes. Their dad had never paid as much attention to him as the others, he mainly just got scolded for not being the brightest or the coolest or the best fighter out of them all. Either way though, it still hurt. He could feel the dull ache in his ribs grow stronger as he thought about it all. Whenever he had done, it always just made it worse. Sitting up in his bed, he looked over at his T-Phone. He didn’t want to be the funny one anymore. He didn’t want to be the cute one. He wanted to be appreciated for his actual skills, not for his idiocy. Sure, he wasn’t as smart as Donnie or as brave as Leo or strong as Raph, but he had his good attributes! He had his thing! Did he? He wasn’t sure. Letting out a long sigh of defeat, he plugged his headphones in. If his brain wasn’t going to be nice to him, at least his music would be.

After 10 minutes of mindlessly staring at the wall and tapping his foot to the beat of his music, something caught his eye. The idle flashing of his futuristic communicating Renet had given him. Mikey picked up the device and tapped it, watching as a small Renet appeared holographically in front of him.

‘’Hey, Mike. How are you holding up?’’ She asked with a sad smile. 

‘’Hey, Ren. Fine. Better than the others at least. Don’t think Leo’s left his room in a few days. Same with Don and his lab. Don’t even get me started on Raph. Sometimes I wonder if a really angry man spat on him when we were mutating,’’ He rolled his eyes, holding the device showing him his girlfriend softly as if it was actually her.

‘’Are you sure? You don’t look ok. I can come over if you’d like, keep you company for a bit? I’m not busy so it wouldn’t be an issue.’’ Mikey smiled. He would like that.

‘’As long as you’re sure. I don’t want to interrupt some super important time business or anything.’’

‘’Mikey, you’re so much more important to me than any of that. I’ll be with you in a second,’’ She smiled, hanging up. Mikey could feel the warmth slowly returning to his chest, fighting off the ball of sadness that once sat there. Maybe, just maybe, things would be ok soon.

A time door opened not far from his bed and his eyes widened in excitement. There stood Renet, only 3 feet away from him.

‘’Hey Mikey,’’ She smiled, stepping over the mess on his floor to sit on his bed. Immediately he dived onto her, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face into her neck.

‘’I missed you,’’ He said, breathing in her scent. It’d been too long since the two had met up, and every time they promised each other it wouldn’t be long again, but it always was.  
Renet chuckled, wrapping her arms around the turtle and rubbing his shell comfortingly, ‘’I missed you too baby,’’ she said, resting her head on him, planting a small kiss on his shoulder.

‘’I hate it. I hate all of this. Ren, I don’t know what to do,’’ Mikey said, not moving away from her. That was fine, Renet didn’t mind. He was struggling so, as his girlfriend, it was her job to comfort him and make him feel better again.

‘’Hey, hey now. Don’t worry I’m here now. Let’s move onto the bed properly and we’ll talk about it, ok?’’ She said softly into his ear.

‘’Ok,’’ He sniffled, finally moving back to reveal the tears rolling down his face. Renet smiled, lifting her hand and gently resting it on his cheek, wiping them away. Mikey lent into her hand, smiling sadly at her.

Renet scooted up the bed, propping her back up against the wall, motioning for Mikey to join her. He crawled up the bed, resting his head on her chest and wrapping her arms around her waist while she rested one hand on his head and the other on his shell, softly moving her thumb up and down the back of his head.

‘’Ok. I won’t say a word unless you want me to,’’ She promised. A promise she would keep.

‘’Thank you,’’ He said, ‘’I just… Splinter was so… weird. I don’t know. I just feel like he didn’t actually care about me as much as he did everyone else and now he’s gone I- I don’t know what to do. Everyone else got wisdom from him. Leo got the stupid Hamato clan and is our sensei now and those stupid stupid healing hands. He helped Raph with his temper but never stopped him beating me up. It’s not my fault I have ADHD but no one ever took me seriously. When the guys finally did, Splinter still didn’t. I just… I’m not sure anymore. He raised us but I don’t know. If anyone ever heard me say that though… Leo would have a meltdown. Then again he always was his favourite. Splinters, I mean. Yeah, he was the best at leading but everything else was just overboard. Do you think I’m being stupid? Tell me the truth. You probably do I-’’

‘’Hey! No!’’ Renet said sharply, startling Mikey at the sudden abrasiveness in her tone. Feeling him jump, she softened slightly, ‘’I know I promised I wouldn’t interrupt but I can’t just sit here and listen to you doubt yourself. You’re not stupid for having feelings, ‘Angelo. It’s not your fault you have ADHD and it’s not your fault Splinter neglected you. Before you say I’m lying I promise you I’m not. After years of trauma, it’s your right to be upset. It’s your right to question peoples behaviour, no matter what. You shouldn’t have to feel like your being so… oppressed by your brothers for being the way you are. I love you for who you are, not because of your wise and all-powerful. So stop doubting yourself because you’ve been doubted and put down your entire life by your brothers and splinter, your just making what they say seem true. It’s not. Sorry, I went off a little there.’’

Mikey pushed himself up, his eyes wide and streaming with fresh tears. He looked into Renet’s eyes and smiled, unable to stop himself from crying harder. He kissed Renet softly with a smile, wishing they could just stay like this forever. For a few blissful moments, it would be just them, and no one else.

Suddenly, breaking the comfortable and warm silence, his T-Phone vibrates.

‘’You stay still I’ll get it,’’ Renet said, taking her hand off of his head and picking up the phone, eyes skimming over the message, ‘’It’s from Leo. He says you’re done with all this. All of you. Being Ninjas and protecting New York I mean,’’ She said putting the phone down and placing her hand on his head again.

‘’Really? We’re done? Just like that?’’ Mikey asked, optimism filling his voice, looking up at Renet with wide eyes.

‘’I guess so yeah! Thank God. Protecting a city that never says even a word of thanks? Lame.’’ She said, trying to brighten the mood. Evidently, it worked as Mikey let out a small giggle, wrapping his arms back around her.

‘’I was sick of it anyway. No more stupid Kraang, no more getting our asses kicked for people who don’t even know we exist. Even then, if we went anywhere near a human Splinter would ground us. For what? Busting bad guys? Sorry for doing something for randos dad, out bad.’’ He rolled his eyes, feeling himself get mad and upset again. 

‘’It wasn’t your fault. None of this is. What you did for New York was all incredibly brave and I love you for that but it’s not healthy to have that much pressure put on you at such a young age.’’ Renet said softly, planting small kisses all over his head. Mikey smiled closing his eyes.

They stayed in silence like this until Mikey could feel himself falling asleep. He knew he shouldn’t- it wasn’t fair on Renet. She probably had important time business to see to or something but… he was so comfortable and for the first time in a while, he felt safe. Like actually safe. He knew that he couldn’t stay there forever, but he wanted to. After the past 2 weeks of pain and sorrow and risking the safety of his family just to gain some sense of normalcy, he needed this. To feel safe. To feel loved and valued and just… happy. Mikey knew it wouldn’t last forever, and he knew he shouldn’t be happy after everything but… he couldn’t help it. He knew what had happened and he was sad about it, so incredibly sad, but he knew he’d feel like this again. He knew he’d feel better eventually, how he was feeling was temporary. With Renet by his side, he knew he really would feel better eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok wow this took. too long im so sorry abt that sdjjsaf life got a tad too real on Thursday so i haven't been doing a whole lot besides playing video games so i am so sorry abt that hsjhfk but I'm back now!!! we also got a dog on Saturday nd omggg i love him more than anything sfsjjfhjd his name is Leonardo but we just call him Leo or Leon idajfi he's a german spitz crossed with a chihuahua we think nd hes genuinely the cutest thing
> 
> before I go tho yes i named him after tmnt jisfud no my mum is not happy and yes my best friend has bullied me mercilessly over it as she should!!! honestly i deserve it SHFHUS anyway yeah time to work on donnies i promise this time it isn't going to take nearly a week aefudfw


	4. The Smart One

Donnie tapped his fingers idly, unable to concentrate on anything. No project nor book could hold his attention, hell not even video games could at this point. The strange thing was, he wasn’t sure why. He wasn’t sad, per se. More… demoralized. Sadness had a distinct grip on him, it had done the first few days after but now? He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel. Was he supposed to feel sad still? Or was he supposed to be ‘’over it’’ by now? Emotions really weren’t his forte- they never had been. He’d read a paper about grieving to try and understand how he was supposed to feel, maybe even help him verbalise how he was feeling but it hadn’t worked. Nothing had. No website or paper or book had. All it had done was open a pit in his stomach he couldn’t close. He feared if it stayed open for much longer it would eat him alive.

He let out a long, over-exaggerated groan, hoping to rouse some kind of feeling. Nothing. At this point, he was willing to bash his head against a wall if it meant he’d feel something. The lack of productivity was beginning to take its own toll on Donnie’s soul, all the projects he could have finished and books he could have read… but it couldn’t be healthy stewing on that. Probably less healthy that slamming his head or any body part into a brick wall. He was pretty sure he’d heard Raph do that earlier. However, he couldn’t be sure. Normally, it would only be 10 minutes and his red-bandana-bearing brother would be standing at the door to his lab nursing a bloody knuckle and little explanation to how he’d gotten it. To be honest, though, the plaster and grime embedded in the wound told the story on its own.

Donnie had almost wished he had come to his lab to get his knuckles bandaged up. Not only because if he didn’t an infection would be imminent, but also because he was lonely. You’d think being ina polyamorous relationship would fulfil any kind of looming loneliness but you’d be surprised. To be fair, it probably would have done if he’d actually replied to the dozens of messages sat on his phone from April and Casey alike. He didn’t want them to see him like this- it’d just worry them more. It wasn’t like he was really eating, or sleeping for that matter. His eyes sported even bigger, blue-er eyebags and his cheeks and jaw bone had become even more prominent. It wasn’t like he was particularly muscly or even big to start but now it was just embarrassing. They’d lose their minds if they saw or thin he was now, and not in a good way. Though, he’d be lying to himself if he said any part of him looked good, even before this entire debacle. 

It had been a while- a long long while- since they’d all spoken properly. Not just April, Casey and him. All of them. His brothers. The most he’d heard was the occasional stary sob from a room or the sound of Raph slamming his drums loud enough that he was sure the entirety of new york could hear it clearly. He needed to get out but… he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave this place. He couldn’t leave the city either. Where would he even go? Casey still had family and it wasn’t as if April’s dad would be particularly happy about an impromptu visit-turned-stay. 

He put his head in his hands and just gave up. Like he’d never given up before. Donnie didn’t give up. He was a scientist, an inventor. It wasn’t in his nature to give up, but yet here he was. Giving up. Don wasn’t even sure what giving up entailed. Did it mean he would have to find a new passion? A new role in the group? But if he wasn’t smart he didn’t have anything. He was just the skinny weak one who had nothing but his brains. He wasn’t as altruistic and charismatic as Leo, he couldn’t light up a room as Mikey could and he was nowhere near as fiery and strong and just so… brave like Raph was. Or did giving up entail just accepting that life was different now their father was gone? Would that even classify as giving up? Or was that just moving on, getting over it. Was that just the smart thing to do? He was the smart one after all. Was that a smart idea? It couldn’t be. It seemed so plainly obvious yet so forbidden and selfish.

Donnie wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Had Splinter even loved him? Leo was always the golden child, he was the leader, the chosen son and now the sensei AND leader of the Hamato clan? Why was no one else legible for that position? Sure he was the one with the most experienced but it wasn’t as if he or Mikey had even been given the chance to try and lead so how did everyone know they weren’t better fit for the job? He knew he shouldn’t complain, Leo was a great leader and all, way better than Raph was, but he couldn’t help but feel like all of splinters energy went into him and not the other 3. What a shit dad.

He scolded himself. Disrespectful much? If anyone knew you though that… they’d kill me. Leo would be so mad, Raph would definitely kick me to the moon and Mikey… I couldn’t do that to him out of everyone. The truth was, he loved Mikey. He wasn’t the smartest but he was so genuine and sweet it was unreal, he hadn’t thought anyone on earth could be that… bright and kind. Sure, he could be annoying but that added to his charm. Just a silly little kid yet so supportive and loving. When you have an impulsive and over-emotional asshat of a brother and another brother so stiff he may as well be a 4x4, the 3rd being kind and caring really made a difference. Mikey recognised his mistakes even if he didn’t always immediately own up to them. He was bright in his own way and way better with emotions than he was. 

He let out a shaky breath. He was so tired. So, so tired. All he wanted was to sleep and sleep and sleep and just never wake up but he knew he couldn’t do that. If he fell asleep, what if something happened? What if someone attacked the lair? It wasn’t exactly likely, but knowing his luck he’d be utterly out cold if something did happen.

A sharp buzz startled him out of his thoughts. He’d muted his chat with April and Casey so who the hell was texting him? Donnie lifted his head, looking over at the bright screen. It was… a text from Leo? In their group chat no less. That thing hadn’t been used in 2 weeks, why now did he suddenly care about everyone. He scanned his eyes over the message, eyes wide with shock. Was… was he being serious? They were really done with being ninjas? Like, done done, or done as in he’d be waking everyone up at 5-30 the next morning for training? A flood of relief washed through him. Finally. He knew what they did was rewarding enough but to protect a city that would run screaming if they saw who’d stopped multiple alien invasions? A city who could never utter even a word of thanks to them for all they’d done? It wasn’t about the praise, Donnie knew that. They’d all been forced into this by Splinter, and he was gone now. It was up to them to decide their owns fates and he was so glad Leo was taking charge of that. No one would have said anything otherwise. It can’t have been healthy to be put through so much pain and suffering and trauma at such a young age. 15 years old. That’s how old they were when they first fought the kraang. That’s how old they were when they realised the true gravity of their existence. That’s how old they were when they’d first realised how the world viewed them. Monsters. Something to be afraid of. But they weren’t. Right?

That was an existential crisis for another day, however. Donnie thought as he straightened his back, listening to the satisfying pops as he did so. Now, it was time to get some rest. Nothing was going to happen to the lair, because they weren’t ninja anymore. Shredder was dead, Splinter was dead and anybody who could have hurt them was either dead or deterred over the death of Shredder. They’d be fine.

That was the last thought in his head as he curled up in his sheets, pulling the blankets so far up his body he was merely a head in a cocoon of warmth. They’d be fine. Even if they weren’t all fine right now, they’d be fine eventually. They’d all feel better eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok hi sorryyyyy i know what i said but this past week life got waaay too real nd the possibility that every end of term exam could actually be our finals grade is really getting to me LMAO anyway I am back!!! the next chapter will be a little longer but after that I'm gonna start on a new tmnt project!! if u guys have anything u wanna see prompt wise pls let me know I wanna write a lot more than I do rn ksjdj also if u want chapters in future fics to be longer too pls let me know idk I feel like I write waaaay too little in these things lol. anyway yeah I hope u enjoyed!! leave an criticism in the comments and ill try to address it asap!! thanks, byee :DD


	5. We'll All Feel Better Eventually

Leo slid open the paper doors to the dojo, double-checking that he hadn’t been followed before closing them behind himself quietly. He hadn’t been this close to crying in a while, but then again, what even was a while? Time had begun to blend into itself, and between that and having to watch Usagi return to his home dimension, everything was becoming too much. It was almost scary to think about. His mind had become so muddled he was afraid he was going to do something stupid. Like Raph level stupid.

Sighing, Leo turned to face the shrine. Once, it was a sign of all Splinter had lost, now it was a sign of everything he and his brothers had lost. A new picture had appeared over the last few weeks, one of all of them as children with their father. A sign of lost innocence and lost loved ones. A sign that someone in this family still cared about life and the rest of them. A sign that someone was still holding on. That was a good sign. Even if one of them was still coping, that meant there was hope for the rest of them… right? He wasn’t sure anymore.

He stared into the eyes of his father in the yellowing photograph, trying to muster up happy memories of before they went topside. Trying but failing. He could only think about that night. It plagued him and probably would for a while. The shredder’s claws impaling him. He couldn’t even remember if he’d screamed or not, he just remembered the pain in his chest as he watched the man who’d raised him fall to the floor. He remembered sobbing as he held his father’s hand as he slowly slipped into the abyss, as he said one final goodbye to him. An opportunity his brothers would never get. They probably hated him for that. He didn’t blame them, he hated himself for it. What did he do to deserve that? What did he do to deserve any of this? His katanas, his title as the leader, his title as sensei and head of the Hamato clan, they’d all been handed to him. What was so different or special about him?

Hot, fresh tears fell down his face as he stared helplessly at the shrine, at the hot wax as it dripped down the side of the ever lit candles.

‘’Why?’’ He murmured, staring into his father’s eyes again.  
‘’Why?’’ He repeated, getting louder.  
‘’Why?” He continued to repeat, getting louder and louder until he was screaming the word.  
‘’Why? What the fuck did I do to deserve this? Why was I so damn special? Mikey, Donnie and Raph, why weren’t they good enough in your eyes? Why was I always the special golden boy? Why couldn’t you have just for one god damned second acknowledged their accomplishments as fighters rather than always praising me? Do you know what that’s done to them? What that’s done to me? It divided us more! They hate me because I was your favourite and always got praise for good missions, even though we’re a team! I’m nothing without them! Nothing!’’ He screamed, falling to his knees as sobs wracked his body.

‘’T-they hate me because you said goodbye to me and none of them. You- you didn’t even t-tell me to say goodbye to them! Just- just me. Why?’’ He said finally, resting his head on his knees and wrapping his arms around his shaking frame. He couldn’t breathe, it was as if someone had thrown him into the vacuum of space. No noise yet too much noise was coming out of him. It was all too much yet not enough. Then again, he deserved it. He deserved the pain. He deserved to feel this way. He could have saved Splinter yet he just stood there like a stupid, scared child.

At that moment, he felt a hand rest on his shell. Then another. Then a third. He sniffed and wiped his nose and eyes on the back of his hand, turning around slowly. 

‘’We don’t hate you, Leo,’’ Raph said quietly, getting down on his knees too.

‘’I don’t think we ever did,’’ Donnie continued, following suit.

‘’Yeah dude, we all feel it.’’ Mikey finished, smiling sadly at his older brother.

‘’But… he ignored you. He said goodbye to me and not you guys,’’ Leo replied, tears threatening to spill over the edge again.

‘’We know. But that’s not your fault. That’s on Splinter,’’ Raph said, placing a hand on his brother’s shoulder.

‘’Yeah, Leo. We care that he didn’t pay much attention to us but like we don’t hate you for being his favourite. As a parent that’s a pretty shitty move anyways.’’ Mikey shrugged, and for the first time in 2 weeks, Leo smiled. A small smile albeit, but a smile all the same.

‘’I just- I feel so angry at him for everything. I love him, he was my mentor and sensei but I don’t know… it felt so...pointless. Superficial. It didn’t matter because he didn’t love us all the same. He failed to see how brave and strong Raph was, how smart and brilliant Donnie was and how funny and loving Mikey was. It was always your faults he focused on and it was always me who was responsible for the victories but it wasn’t. I’m nothing without you guys. I would never be able to do half the stuff we’ve achieved alone and I’m so so angry that he never acknowledged that. Hell, I’m angry at myself for never saying anything. I could have done something to get you guys more attention and… and to stop what happened but I didn’t. I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything I just-’’

‘’No.’’ Donnie interrupted, pulling his older brother into a tight hug, ‘’Please, Leo. We’ve told you. We don’t blame you. On top of that, hindsight is always 20/20. Please we are begging you. Let yourself move on. You’re allowed to grieve, we all are but we recognise dad wasn’t the best. He grounded us over trivial issues and forced us to fight a man he fought over a girl with. They were 2 grown men who forced their children into a fight they didn’t ask for over a girl. Do not blame yourself for him and Shredder’s stupid stupid feud. Just promise us you’ll talk to us next time.’’ Leo laughed through his still falling tears.

‘’You guys can’t say much’’

‘’Yeah, we can, stupid. We didn’t blame ourselves for everything. We recognised dads faults and allowed ourselves to grieve. You, however, pushed yourself to the edge and just had a meltdown at a photo.’’ Raph said, rolling his eyes and joining the hug.

‘’Wow, I’m glad to see your personalities still intact Raph.’’

‘’You have no idea how close I am to slapping you don’t say a word or I’m leaving,’’ Leo shut up, as another pair of arms snaked around him.

‘’Leonardo you fool!! You foolish fool!’’ Mikey said, putting on an over the top British accent that made them all laugh a little.

‘’We need to promise to talk about stuff in the future,’’ Leo said finally, smiling the best and realist smile he’d smiled in a while.

‘’We do. I think we need to address how we treat each other to start.’’ Donnie said as they all finally pulled away. Raph sighed.

‘’My turn. I’m- I’m sorry for how I acted. Mikey, it’s not your fault you are how you are. That’s just how life works sometimes and I should’ve been more tolerant of you. Somehow I don’t think a compliment every so often balances it out so I promise you ill try my hardest to be a better brother. And Leo? I’m sorry I was so shitty. I should’ve just listened to you, it’s not your fault your leader so I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. You’re much better at it than I could ever dream of being so I can see why he chose you. I shouldn’t have second-guessed your orders because so much more would’ve been achieved if I hadn’t but… I have no excuse. I’m just… so so sorry to all of you.’’ Raph looked at his feet, shifting his weight from one foot to the other awkwardly. It felt good to get that off his chest.

‘’I’m sorry too. I should’ve just pulled my head out of my ass and acted more like your brother than a leader.’’

‘’If we’re all apologising, id like to say sorry for being an annoying little shit. I know it’s not my fault I have ADHD but I could’ve at the very least just tried to control myself and listen.’’

‘’I-I’m sorry too. I should have been there for you all after what happened, it was wrong of me to just mope in my lab all day and no even make anything to help us all.’’

‘’I’m- Donnie that is the lamest thing to apologise for how is the fact that you were grieving problematic,’’ Raph said, crinkling his brow at his younger brother.

‘’I don’t know Raph get off my back I just feel bad about it,’’ Donnie replied, shooting Raph a glare.

‘’Alright children stop it,’’ Leo laughed, crossing his arms, ‘’So what now?’’

‘’Well, I haven’t visited April or Casey in a while. I should go talk to them.’’ Donnie said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

‘’Well the rest of us could go see the mutanimals. It’d be nice to get out together for a while.’’ Mikey said with a smile.

‘’Its a plan!’’ Raph said, throwing his arms around his brother’s shoulders.

They really would all feel better eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok wow i grinded this out bc I felt bad for how long it was between updates but yeah!!! i hope everyone enjoyed!! also pls note when mikeys apologising for his adhd he's not apologising for it he's apologising for how he handled it??? idk I'm autistic so i get his pain lmaooo. anyway yeah ok I'm gonna go work on the zombie apocolypes au now ok bye


End file.
